Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
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