So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
