Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
