glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
