I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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