I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
im about as happy as oj after his trial
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
