I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Help. Why am I so naked?
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
