If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
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