I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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