Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
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