if we break up, who will get the dealer?
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
Randomize
