I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize