I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
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