I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
