I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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