Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize
