There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
