I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
His hands were made for my vagina.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
