Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
