Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
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