Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Randomize
