I don't usually arrange sex via text message
i just wanna soil my oats bro
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Randomize