oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
