Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
