moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
