this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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