Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
When are your genitals available?
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
