Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
