worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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