Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
