what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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