all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
