she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Randomize
