worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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