Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
