I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Randomize