hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Randomize
