remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
