so explain again why im purple
no
I take back everything I said about communal showers
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
