So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
