I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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