I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
