ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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