mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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