Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
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