i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
