Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
