the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
