Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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