and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
