Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Randomize