She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
