i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Randomize
