I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
