fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
