Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
