New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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