Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
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