i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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