if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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