Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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